


The Sun and The Moon

by flxquita



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: F/F, Kind of angsty, and also give this love please please, aquaria has a bad reputation, cracker is a goody two shoes, here's a cliche no one asked for, i made bob evil i am so sorry, lots of fluffy, please remember this is all fiction, tension i guess, the only real thing are the names and some friendships, they don't even have the same personalities
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-06-22 01:44:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15570996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flxquita/pseuds/flxquita
Summary: Brianna is a good girl. Being good is tiring. She tries her very best but it never seems to be enough. When she meets the careless and intriguing Aquaria, she wonders if being good is really worth it. Aquaria has a lot of secrets, but Brianna seems to be able to read her like a book. They're different, there's no denial in that.But even as different as the sun and the moon are, they had always been good at complementing each other.And these two are no different from that, either.





	1. The Platinum Beauty

**Author's Note:**

> Hey whoever is reading this! Well this is my first fanfic, how about that? It is a litle cliche good girl/bad girl story but it's gonna have a loooot of twists and turns and well, I hope you'll like it! Reminder that this is just fictional and that the only real things in here are probably the names and a few friendships but aside from that, it all just comes out of my head. If you like it, give me some love and hank you for reading!

Brianna had never been someone who complained.

Although being spoilt for most of her life tempted her to live up to the stereotype of “rich brat”, she insisted in being humble and suck it all up.

That was, until she was standing under the fervent sun in the middle of May. In medium heels and makeup that was threatening to melt away, Bri sighed.  
She knew better than to whine because of small things like this. She was, after all, waiting for her mother to pick her up from a long day of high school.

 _You should be so thankful_ , a voice in her head said, _most people aren’t that lucky._

That voice, however, sounded far too much like her mother’s. Brianna loved her mom. She was her perfect little daughter and disappointing her was both her biggest fear and constant threat. Most of the times, it was her mother who reminded her of how much she expected from her. And Bri had always convinced herself that she only did it out of love. Even if it felt like she did it just to drown the girl in stress.

But, she loved her mother.

Brianna had always been extremely thankful for everything she had. Not only an enormous home or an abundance of material things. Although they held a complicated relationship, she was thankful for her mom. She was thankful that she at least had her, so she would endure every discouraging treatment from her. She had to, she had saved her and took her into her home. Bri was so lucky and she knew it.

When you have everything, you have to live up to what is given to you. That, for Bri, meant perfection. She worked herself to exhaustion. Cheerleader, class president, straight A+ student, karate black belt, piano expert and the most popular girl in school. Anything that was asked from her, she would deliver. Whatever was the cost, as long as she remained her mother’s perfect daughter.

Whatever was the cost, as long as she did not disappoint. Failure was not an option.

But, _yes_ , she loved her mother.

Although it was sad, that she had to constantly remind herself of that.

Waiting outside in the heat was pointless, she concluded after a few more minutes, and walked to one of the benches that were under the shadow.  
Bri sat there and leaned her head against the wall behind, immediately closing her eyes. She truly was exhausted and just wanted to go home.

To most people, Brianna Cracker was an extroverted girl. Social, and likeable. But she had always considered herself someone anxious and small and stressed out. Someone who had to take a breath before going out into the world. Someone who craved of the familiarity and the boring sense of monotony that home provided. Home, where she most comfortably had panic attacks and then, if she wanted to, do all of this again.

Home, where she really wanted to be right now. But being alone in a bench would just have to do for the time.

The scent of smoke, however, made her realize that she was not as alone as she thought she was.

She opened one eye and then the other, visualizing a figure about five benches away from hers. The figure smoked, carelessly, obviously not noticing a blonde girl looking at her from the distance.

When Brianna squinted her eyes to see better, she realized the figure was a girl.

The girl had milky skin and wore her platinum blonde hair down, thrown behind her shoulders and falling all the way down to her waist. The cigarette wrapped by lips that seemed to be painted a deep red. Bri wondered if there would be a red ring marking the cigarette when she removed it from her lips. She had a red jacket of shiny material draped around her shoulders, skinny black jeans clinging to her incredibly long legs, and heeled boots.

She sure was a sight. An unusual, yet almost familiar sight.

Brianna could’ve sworn she knew her from somewhere, maybe had seen her around, but Bri knew almost everyone in school. She surely would’ve remembered her.

Even if she didn’t know her, Bri could tell that this girl was as different from her as the moon was to the sun.

She subconsciously looked down to her own clothes. Her body would always be wrapped into some pink, soft, good girl clothes. Today was no difference. Bri sat there with a v neck sleeveless blouse, her jeans and her before mentioned medium heels. Her sunny blonde hair standing a few inches taller on top of her head as it usually did.  
Brianna knew she was pretty, maybe not Vogue cover kind of pretty like this girl was. But, pretty nonetheless.

She hoped she could rip her eyes away from her. But even if she was as different as the moon was to the sun…

The moon had always been one marvelous thing to stare at. This girl was no different from that.

Not only did she look beautiful, but she felt beautiful, if that made sense. She radiated confidence; she demanded attention by just standing there, leaned against a wall, cigarette turned into ashes and staring back at her with amused light eyes…

Wait a minute. _Staring back?_

Oh holy crap, she was staring back!

Brianna felt her face and neck flush embarrassingly and she looked down. She swallowed and was determined of looking back up confidently, smile at her politely and just brush it off. She really was determined to do so, that was, until she did looked back up.

There was, the platinum beauty still looking right at her. Only focusing on her. Playfully, challenging, plain smug. Brianna could’ve sworn she was about to melt right there and not because of the sun’s heat.

All thoughts of confidence flew out of her mind and she could only stare back. Perhaps seeming emotionless to the other girl, perhaps seeming nervous and about to run off. But there was something in those girl’s eyes…

No, not only in her eyes. In her as a whole. The way she stood up straight now and tapped her foot on the ground, the way her lips were curled up on one side and smirked at Brianna without a care, the way she looked at her like she knew all and every one of her secrets and was ready to spread them out. Something that just froze Brianna to her spot and forced her to stare.

Besides being gorgeous, Bri noticed she also looked scary. Mysterious, intriguing. Brianna felt like she could and would read an entire book written about this girl and that was just by the way she looked. She wondered if the girl would be a false hero or a misunderstood villain. But anyways, wondering what kind of character this stranger would be in a fictional book, was probably not the best way to react to her stares.

The platinum beauty looked like she was about to open her blood stained lips and say something. She looked like she was about to walk over her with her slender long legs and… say something.

_Will you say something? …_

But something had to break the frosting spell cast by the stunning girl who was draped in red and platinum.

This something was, unfortunately, the well-known honk of a well-known BMW. Now Brianna had an entire new reason to freeze to her spot. She looked away and stood up, feeling like she had been caught doing something wrong and knowing that her mother had been the one to catch her. But was there anything truly, horribly wrong with the way she looked at that girl?

For her mother, there was.

And so, Brianna stood up and smiled at her mom through the window, who was already eyeing the other girl with disdain. She’s just being protective, Bri tried to think, although she knew why her mother looked at the girl like that.

She knew she had to smile and act normal, or else, she would be giving her mom a real reason to suspect of her. That was the last thing she wanted.

“Hey, ma. How was your day? How was the meeting with uh…social communications?” Bri tried to think of a way to start a conversation, even if she knew nothing about her mother’s business and had no intention or interest in knowing.

She scoffed

“They said a whole lot of nonsense. Apparently I’m supposed to come off as ‘friendly’ to the media. Please…” She rolled her eyes and started driving. “Being friendly isn’t what got me this company. I hope you know that, Brianna, friends won’t get you success”

The girl repressed a sigh and simply nodded. Boy, if she knew anything about her mother it was that friends were definitely not what got her success. The fact that her mom’s name was Bob was not exactly the most remarkable thing about her. It was the fact that she was a little… stern?

Most people would word it as ‘hateful bitch’, but Bri preferred a more friendly term. Ah, yes. The problem was that Brianna was the definition of the word ‘friendly’.

She lacked of the ability Bob had to be… well, a hateful bitch.

“Yes mom. Noted” She hoped the rest of the ride would be spent in silence, but she knew her mother well, and she wasn’t one to stay quiet.

“Oh and Bri?” The girl hummed in response to her mother. “That girl you were with, I hope you know better than being… friendly to her”

“What? Why?” Brianna couldn’t help the questions coming out of her mouth. Bob looked a little shocked that her daughter wouldn’t just nod and agree.

“Well the kid has a reputation, honey. Oh and don’t even get me started on the mother…” She laughs a little, condescendingly

“What about her mother?” Bri sits up straighter and she’s suddenly very interested to know about the girl. Even if it’s just the dirt her own mother would talk about someone else.

“Just the things people say… It’s a small town, hon. If you do something bad, everyone knows” Bob just smiles and it feels like some sort of warning. “Which is why I do not want you around those people. You are nothing but good, Brianna. You must be.”

She hopes Bob won’t notice her tense up and tries to keep the conversation light, to just shrug it all off and not go into risky territory.

“I don’t even know her, so…”

“Oh, I know. Just keep it that way, alright?”

“Sure, mom” Bob does notice that her daughter’s voice sounds disappointed.

“All this is for your own good, my little cracker. Only for your good” She reaches out and strokes her hair, lovingly. And all Bri can feel is warmth.

There are only a few things she can remember of her adoption. She was only three years old and wasn’t conscious of much. Brianna could barely remember the orphanage, she remembers bits of those years, but the only memory that glowed bright to her was the day Bob came into her life.

She was a scared kid and this woman took her in and loved her like she was her own. Eventually, Brianna just forgot that she really wasn’t her own. And she was glad she did, her mother was her mother and no one could tell her otherwise.

Bri knows the extremes her mom would go to keep her in the right lane, and moments like this make her glad of it. Sure, that girl might’ve had something interesting. But nothing could be compared to her mother’s approval and care. Nothing.

If the simple act of staying away from her meant her mom would be pleased, Brianna was more than happy to obey. She didn’t even know the girl’s name! How hard could it be to forget about her?

While a part of Bri stayed true to these thoughts, a much bigger part of her knew that it would be impossible to forget the way she looked at her, the rush that ran through her body inexplicably. How could she force herself to forget the platinum beauty and her burning stare? Would she be able to forget the way she had made her feel? To forget the way her whole self had been shocked with excitement?

No, she probably wouldn’t be able to. But as usual, this part of her was shut down by a tight smile and a promise to her mother.

And as usual, Bri was happy to obey.

*

“Hey, Cracks?” Bob closed the door to their apartment and turned to her daughter.

Her daughter who was already halfway through the grand living room and ready to run away.

Brianna cursed silently, and turned back to her mom, even though she really was done talking and just wanted to rest.

“I forgot to ask, how was your day?” She smiled and went to sit on the couch, leaving Bri to stand behind it and fidget with her polished nails.

“Great! Busy, you know. Had to run all day long and it ain’t easy in heels!” She laughs nervously and wonders if her attempt at jokes were as pathetic as they sounded to her.

Bob didn’t seem to notice and went right to the risky territory of conversation.

“Oh, yeah? How are your business classes going? Are they treating you well? Cause we’re paying a hell lot of money and if they...”

“Mom, they’re fine. Don’t worry about it.” She rushed to say as soon as she hears the words ‘business classes’.

Ever since Brianna has memory, her mother has been pushing her towards pursuing a business career and inherit the family company. And just to please her mother, her idol, Brianna had made her believe that that was what she wanted as well. How could she really, ever, say no to her?

But little did Bob know, for Brianna didn't want that life for herself. Having had a wealthy life had made her get used to having anything she wanted, and now she wanted something more. Sadly, she knew in her heart that that was the only thing that her mother wouldn't agree to give to her.

Bob could go a little far sometimes with the way she controlled her. Most of the times, all she really wanted to do was to escape. But every time the thought even occurred to her, it was dismissed by the voice that sounded far too much like her mother’s. That same voice that often reminded her that her mom had given her everything. And with that she would just, forget.

Brianna gulped and looked up at her, flashing that sweet smile that she knew Bob would buy.

“I’m just very tired. Can I go to my room, please?” She put on a fake tired expression, to which her mother replied with a smile.

“Sure, honey”

Bri didn’t waste a minute and simply disappeared towards her room.

Bob and she lived in the penthouse of the building. It was one of those buildings with a butler at the front door and a fancy elevator with fancy people that really only came home to sleep. It was a nice place and Brianna had always loved the vast place that had become her home.

She loved her big bedroom and her small balcony. She loved to stand there and look at the people below. Brianna often wondered if she would ever meet one of the people who passed under her nose. Which lead to thinking about that girl and wondering if she had ever walked through those streets. Wondering if she would see her again.

_No, mom asked you not to, listen to mom._

God, that voice was tiring.

The girl decided to forget about it and just distract herself. Brianna had learned with the years, that as long as her feet kept moving, the gears in her head wouldn’t. So she did just that to escape from the over thinking. It was the only escaping she could do.

Opening her laptop, her eyes scanned the multiple drafts written nights before. No one else really knew about them, or about the love she had for writing and creating her own stories. Knowing that the words scripted in those documents came out of her mind and her heart… Well, that was priceless as well.

But it wasn’t late night yet and usually she felt way more creative at night, so she closed the drafts and looked for something else to do.  
Just as she opened her e-mails and looked through, a new one came into her inbox. And as soon as she even glanced at the name and the subject written, Brianna felt her heart leap and a smile creep across her face.

 

**From: Trixie Mattel**   
**Subject: HUGE HUGE NEWS!1!1!**

Brianna almost never got to see her aunt, one of her best friends. Sadly, because she and her mom didn’t have the best relationship. But, oh, how she loved Trixie. Her aunt was always so much fun and she understood her better than anyone in the world. Not to mention, the surprising resemblance between the two, which had always made Bri feel like they really were family (even if she knew how stupid that was).

She opened the e-mail and felt her eyes widen as she read through it.

 

**Hey Bri!**   
**Oh my goodness, I feel like I haven’t talked to you in ages! And that’s considering you’re my favorite niece, imagine how I treat the other suckers I don’t like! But, but, this isn’t just to check in. I’ve got some VERY important news to give you. Ready? Okay.**

**Katya and I are getting married! Can you believe it? Oh my god, Bri, she proposed to me a few weeks ago and it was so romantic! She took me to the place where we met and it was just, ugh, perfect. I’ll send you the pictures even though I look like a mess from all the crying.**

**Anyways, the wedding is in eight months so we have time to figure how to get you to New York without your mother finding out. You have to come, Bri, we would love it if you were here with us on our day. I’ll figure out a way, don’t worry.**

**I send you this because I can’t quite mail you the invitation properly, you know, your mom could find it and it would just be a mess. I kind of wish she would come too, I mean, she’s my sister. But I just know she won’t accept it and just be happy for me.**

**Katya says that maybe she’ll come into reason one day and I just hope she’s right. I mean, she kind of always is. I always tell her she’s some sort of witch. I love her so much Bri, god I can’t believe we’re actually going to marry. *insert high school girl squeal here***

**I really hope you can come.**   
**I love you and I AM GETTING MARRIED,**   
**Your favorite aunt, Trixie. <3**

 

Bri let out an excited squeal that seemed to be mixed with a sob as she looked at the pictures attached to the e-mail.

Trixie and Katya appeared with smiley faces and tear streaks, standing in front of some sort of gazer in the middle of god-knows-where. Trixie had her hand trying to cover her sobbing face and showing off a pretty golden ring, while Katya’s arms wrapped her in a tight looking grip. The pictures looked blurry.

And they both looked so, so happy.

Brianna wished she could forget the last time she had seen them, which was also the first and only time she had ever met Katya. She had hated that day.

It was her seventeenth birthday party, and Trixie would come like every year and have an excuse to be with her niece. She almost never came back home, her aunt always talked about feeling trapped in that little town and about not feeling accepted there.

When Trixie was sixteen, she came out to her parents. And while they didn’t quite kick her out of the house, they weren’t exactly accepting of it, either. She lived there for three more years until she left to New York, not bothering in saying goodbye to a family that wasn’t willing to love her. And since then, her relationship with the family had been tense. Especially with her sister Bob, who adopted Bri a year later and wasn’t too fond on letting her into her daughter’s life.

Bri had always thought and hoped that her mother and her aunt didn’t have the best relationship because of the distance and the ten year age gap between them, and not because of Trixie being a lesbian. That was, until the day of her seventeenth birthday.

Bob had been out buying stuff and Trixie and Katya arrived while she was out. Katya was lovely and Bri could see just how happy her aunt was with her; they were perfect for each other, everything had been great and she naively thought that this could bring the family back together… That was, until Bob came back.

She had asked Trixie for a word and not that quietly told her to leave, said that Bri was still young and ‘impressionable’ and that she didn’t want her only daughter to run away and ‘ _become what you have, Trixie_ ’.

Brianna was heartbroken and felt powerless; her aunt had just smiled tightly and grabbed Katya’s hand, wished her a happy birthday and stormed out.

After that, Trixie didn’t want to be somewhere where her girlfriend wouldn’t be welcomed. And the worst part was that Bri understood.

The worst part was when she had sobbed and apologized uncontrollably when they were getting into the car and confessed that she was afraid her mother would do something like that do her as well. And Trixie didn’t even had to ask because she knew exactly what she meant with that.

 _“Listen to me Bri. Whenever you are ready to tell her, you have to. You don’t have to be afraid, you don’t have to hide. You have us and I won’t let you feel lonely or wrong. You are not wrong, no matter what she might say. I love you. I love you a lot, kid.”_ Trixie had whispered as she hugged her niece and promised her that everything would be alright and that if it wasn’t, she would always have a home in New York.

Sadly, Brianna held onto that possibility.

Needless to say, she missed her aunt like crazy and feared that she wouldn’t be able to go to the wedding.

She sighed and gave the pictures one last look before closing the laptop.

It were moments like these, moments when she saw how happy Trixie and Katya could be, moments like earlier when she looked at the platinum beauty for the first time. Those moments that made her think that maybe she could be happy and in love someday.

Brianna knew she wasn’t wrong, she knew who she was but she had always been so scared of not being able to find happiness as who she was. She deserved that love, she wanted it. She wanted to hold a girl’s hand and not be scared of what the future or her mother or the world would say.

But Brianna had no idea just how much would happen for her to get there.

So, for now, she closed her eyes and settled with what she had. She settled with thoughts of cigarettes and stares and flashes of platinum and red.

After all, Brianna had never been someone who complained.


	2. Del Rio's Bar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aquaria's "regular" night is disturbed by thoughts of a certain blonde stranger and feelings that she wishes weren't there at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back in an embarassingly short amount of time! So, thanks a lot for all the feedback on the first chapter, i feel like this one is kinda crappy but i liked writing it. Keep the nice coments coming cause ya girl here is a hoe for attention. Enjoy, i guess and thanks for reading!

As a child, Aquaria was always easily impressed.

Whether it was by the flashing neon signs outside of her so called home, or by the multiple shiny bottles of liquors that stood behind the very same counter where she learned how to read.

It all fascinated her. Her mother used to say she had a taste for things that weren’t that pretty, but she always liked to think that she could find beauty anywhere.

Still, 17 years later, she found all those before mentioned things beautiful. Or maybe she had just grown accustomed to them.

Aquaria stood outside of the bar and gave it a good look. It wasn’t something that most people would call ‘homey’ and sometimes, neither did she. But it was the place where she had grown, a place that had given her love but also given her rough times.

It was a rusty old building that looked like it would fall apart any second now. A glowing sign that read _“Del Rio’s”_ was hung over the door. There were two big windows in the front that allowed the inside to be seen, and when she leaned closer she could see a coat of dust in the window’s frame. She almost groaned knowing that she would have to clean the frames in the morning, and then she stepped inside.

Routines were something that often bothered her. Aquaria found it boring to do the same things all the time, but when it came to the routine the bar followed, she wouldn’t change a thing. The usual cloud of smoke appeared in the air, the beaming lights that were always there, the well-known sounds of music and clinks of glasses and bottles… When it came to the bar, she preferred to know what was coming.

With anything else, surprises would do. As long as she was able to rise to the occasion, she would be fine. And if Aquaria was good at something, it was at doing just that.

“How was school, kiddo?” The sweet voice of the sweetest woman she had ever met, spoke.

And with that Aquaria knew that this was also a routine she liked. She walked behind the counter with a small smile and hung her bag on a coat rack, kissed the woman’s cheek as a greet and grabbed a cloth to clean glasses.

Ah, routine.

“It’s school, I guess it can’t get any better”

Adore chuckled and started placing the glasses that Aquaria was cleaning behind the counter.

Adore wore her ratty old shirts with washed out jeans and managed to look cool yet professional. She paired the look with her braided hair and blue lipstick that she often lent to Aquaria, despite Sharon’s attempts to stop her from doing so.

“You don’t even try!” She bumps the girl’s shoulder jokingly.

“School is not my thing, Dorey. It’s just somewhere to… kill time” With this, Adore let out a loud cackle.

“You’re rotted, kid” Adore knows she should scold her or something, but she’s just incapable.

Since the moment Aquaria was born, Adore had the softest spot for her. Something Bianca always told her it would doom her, considering she should discipline her as well. But since Aquaria practically had three moms, Adore could be the fun one if she wanted to.

“So, how’s your actual thing going? Any word on your application yet?”

“Nope. I sent it only a few days ago. I need to get a confirmation e-mail and then submit my essay so…” Aquaria tries not to sound nervous whenever she talks about FIT.

Bianca told her about it when she was 14 and it’s been all she’s wanted since. But it wouldn’t be easy to get there and she knew that. It’s unlike her to get nervous. Growing up in the circumstances she did and with the people she did taught her to be confident of her steps or else she would be outshined.

But FIT was something that she couldn’t be too confident about.

“Essay? Aren’t you going for, like, Art and Design or something?” Adore asks as she finishes to set everything in place and sits on one of the stools, pulling one for the girl to sit on.

“Yeah, but everyone has to do it. I have to write about what makes me good for FIT and why am I interested in my major, blah, blah… Oh and also, I need to have some sob story or something good enough to get in” Aquaria sighs and lets her eyes close when Adore’s fingers rummage through her hair, comfortingly.

“Our whole lives are sob worthy, you’ll be fine”

“I don’t know, but it’s gotta be good and I’m no writer” She opened her eyes again and watched as more people slowly filled the bar.

“Just write about your shelter less pregnant mother and the struggles she endured to raise your talented ass!” Adore exclaimed dramatically, to which she rolled her eyes with a smile.

“Not my favorite story!” The back door opened and another voice joined the conversation.

A raspy, familiar voice that made Aquaria want to sit up straight and act properly. Want to, maybe. But did she? No way. No matter how much Bianca insisted in discipline, she knew the older woman had as much of a soft spot for her as Adore had.

Bianca hung her coat on the rack and muttered something to the girl about the rack being only for coats and not for her bag. But, as usual, she just shrugged it off. Knowing she would do it again next day and Bianca would scold her the same way.

Yet again, routine.

“Anyway, the sob story is my biggest chance to get pass the essay” Aquaria felt her shoulders being squeezed by Bianca before she went to kiss Adore’s blue lips.

Bianca and Adore had always been Aquaria’s favorite love story, and also probably the only one since she disliked love stories a whole lot. Adore used to be one of the girls who performed there when Bianca was younger and her brothers ran the place. And despite her family’s disagreement, Bianca befriended her and fell in love like a rock falls into water. They married and now ran the bar together.

This, to Aquaria, sounded like happily ever after.

“Ugh, you two are gross” But she, of course, would never admit this.

Adore giggled and Bianca looked at her like that single sound made the entire place fade away.

Throughout the day, Aquaria had tried not to think about the Barbie looking girl she had seen earlier. And how the way she had caught her looking reminded her of this. How it all seemed to fade away for her as well.

That girl was very different from the ones she was used to look at. She looked different from the girls who performed or the girls who visited the bar and flirted shamelessly with her across the counter or the other girls at school. None of them looked like her. She looked shy and curious and seemed to be holding back. That was interesting for Aquaria.

Her lingering eyes confused her, because her whole self seemed confident and popular and just… different. But her eyes told her a whole different story; the look on her eyes was relatable, it held a timid fire that she couldn’t help but feel intrigued by. She couldn’t wait to see what the girl’s next move would be and then… Then she was just, gone. And whatever uniqueness Aquaria thought she might’ve seen, she had to dismiss.

It was no big deal, she was probably the typical conceited girl that she appeared to be and it was better for Aquaria to believe that she was just that. She couldn’t let herself be distracted, no matter how pretty she was or…

“Aqua?” She snapped back from her thoughts and looked at both women standing in front of her, waving off the thoughts about the blonde as if they were a cloud of smoke above her head. As if it was that easy to ignore them.

She hummed in response.

“I said, if you do get pass the essay, what’s next?” Adore asked.

Right, FIT, she could focus on that.

“Oh, well. After that, I submit my portfolio. Which reminds me…?” She turned to look at Bianca. “Can we go over the new stuff I added, later?”

“Honey, you don’t have to pass by me everything you put there. It’s your portfolio and it’s going great!” Bianca petted her head in a motherly way.

“Yes, but it can’t just be great. It has to be perfect, B” They seemed to have this conversation a million times in the past before.

“I know, baby. We’ll go over it, don’t worry” Bianca kisses her head and heads to the back of the stage to check on the performers.

Bianca knows better than to correct Aquaria when it comes to her portfolio. The portfolio is a tense theme for the whole family, since Aquaria just wants it to be flawless and won’t take no for an answer. So Bianca just rolls with it because she knows about fashion, and knows that she’s a bright kid who’s going to make it far.

And Aquaria knows her family worries if she stresses herself out more than she has too. But seeing as she was raised by three stubborn women, it’s no wonder she shares that quality as well.

“You should get ready, show’s starting soon and you’re on drinks duty” Adore gets up from her seat and motions the grumbling girl to get up.

Drinks duty is an opportunity to meet new people and usually Aquaria is up for it, knowing the stories about customers who fall in love with bartenders or whatever.

But tonight, she doesn’t seem to be able to wave away the cloud of smoke that is her thoughts about the blonde bombshell. She doesn’t feel like flirting with other people when the only pictures in her head were of sunny yellow and soft pink that seemed to mix so perfectly.

From a very young age, Aquaria was aware that she had feelings for both boys and girls. She found it normal. And when she told her three moms about it, they all said that was great and talked about it like it was the morning news. It wasn’t until years later that Aquaria realized their reaction could’ve been worse.

And when she told Sharon about the stories she heard of parents reacting horribly to it, her mom’s response was to look at her straight in the eye and say those parents are assholes and shouldn’t be called parents. Said that she was loved and would be loved by her until the day Sharon died because that’s what being a parent was about. It was also then, when she realized the infinite love her mom had for her.

“Hey, is mom singing tonight?” She excitedly asked Adore.

“Yes, she’s going in the middle, I think” Adore smiles and heads to the back.

The first and most clear memory that Aquaria has is, rightfully, of her mother. She just remembers the sound; the pictures are all distant and blurry. She thinks it was maybe around her first year or maybe before but there wasn’t really any way to be totally sure.

Sharon was singing to her, some creepy lullaby that she says it was surprisingly the only thing that calmed baby Aquaria. She also says that’s when she knew she was definitely her daughter, but that’s just Sharon being… well, Sharon.

She’s glad her most vibrant childhood memory is Sharon singing to her, because along the years she’s had to learn to stick with her mother and her dream. Sharon is an incredible singer, her voice is deep and dark and whenever Aquaria heard it, it gave her goosebumps.

It had been hard for them, to hold onto hope that she would succeed in music one day. There had been multiple fights around Aquaria’s early teenage years about it. And Aquaria wishes she could take back all the times she got mad at her mom for wanting to follow her dream.

The day she got a dream of her own, she understood and wordlessly went to hug her mom and told her that she would support her in anything and everything. Because she deserved all that and more.

Ever since Sharon arrived at Bianca and Adore’s doorstep, pregnant and scared and homeless, she had started singing at the bar every night. And she certainly was a fan favorite because the crowd never cheered as loud for any of the other girls as they did for Sharon, and that made Aquaria as happy as ever.

Of course singing here and there was never truly enough to help Bianca with the bills and to maintain her daughter, so Sharon also worked from morning to afternoon as a hairstylist in a near salon. She liked it, but she would never quit her dream of singing, and Aquaria would never let her do so.

“Hi, what can I get ya?” The girl smiled as genuinely as she could and so, her night started.

The performances weren’t such a formality. The girls came already dressed and Bianca helped with whatever she could, and there was always an ‘open mic’ of some sort so anyone could talk to Adore and perform if they wanted to. It was really just to keep the bar entertaining, but Aquaria liked it.

Bartending, on the other hand, wasn’t always easy. There was always some drunk jerk who stepped over the line and their security guy had had to intervene more than a couple times, but it was nothing she couldn’t handle.

Luckily, there wasn’t much of that tonight. Aquaria wasn’t feeling nervous about FIT anymore. Even as she smiled politely and chatted with the people whom she served drinks, her mind was somewhere else.

Aquaria refused to think that she was getting distracted by the stupid blonde and her stupid pretty face and stupid adorable appearance. She didn’t even know her name! How could she be getting hung on some girl who she had just looked at? It was ridiculous and she refused to think she was what was clouding her mind.

She, instead, convinced herself that the lightness she felt was the happiness for hearing her mom sing. That made a lot more sense.

“Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to present our next performer…” Bianca’s voice boomed through the bar and through her thoughts, while an involuntary grin appeared on her face. “The one and the only, Miss Sharon Needles!”

The crowd hollered at the mention of her name, but no one screamed louder than the girl standing behind the bar, the costumers standing in front of her were long forgotten. Nothing else, no one else mattered more for Aquaria than her mom. Apparently not even the blonde, who was pushed to the back of her mind but not quite totally forgotten.

The lights on the stage went out because Sharon always loved making the scene her very own. The song started and the unmistakable tune of a piano had the crowd hollering even louder and had Aquaria jumping up and down on her spot.

The dramatic thud of the song was cue for the lights to shine on only Sharon’s face and Gloria Gaynor’s voice was replaced by hers. No one in the audience dared to sing along, too enthralled by the show the woman was putting on.

Sharon’s deep voice gave _‘I will survive’_ a whole new vibe at the first words, it felt mysterious and dark and glamorous. As the song got more upbeat, the reflector illuminated her completely, taking her coat off and making a show out of revealing the silver fringe dance dress that was underneath.

If one thing was sure it was that Aquaria had gotten her extra-ness out of her.

Sharon moved and sang like she had all the time in the world to do so, enjoying every word that came out of her mouth and every step that she took around the stage. The fringes of her dress moved beautifully as her hips did and Aquaria couldn’t help but beam with pride, not only because she and Bianca had made that dress, but because her mom looked like she was the happiest she would ever be and everybody in the room loved her.

The silver matched the platinum of her hair and the dark of her lips as she slowly and suggestively walked down the stairs of the stage and then walked through the crowd. Singing, winking, dancing with the people while they showered her in cheers and pure love.

When Sharon’s eyes fixated on her daughter, she could see how they softened as she approached her. She extended her hand for her and spun Aquaria as she giggled like a child.

>  
> 
> _I’ve got all my life to live, and I’ve got all my love to give_
> 
>  

As she sang this words to her, she looked her in the eye lovingly and caressed her daughter’s cheek, only speaking to her. Aquaria felt once more as if the rest of the room faded away.

This didn’t just felt like a part of the song, Aquaria felt as if her mother was trying to tell her something. Maybe telling her not to worry so much and to not be so scared of loving. Maybe Sharon was telling her that she herself believed she could love again someday. Maybe she truly believed that she and her daughter weren’t unlovable just because of the way they had had to live.

But Aquaria was probably reading too much into it, she did that a lot anyway.

And as Sharon stepped away from her with a smile and returned to the stage to finish her song, Aquaria felt the feeling of denial wash over her again. She wasn’t scared of loving; she wasn’t scared of anything let alone something as stupid as loving. She was just… occupied by everything else.

And she hated every time she felt like this and she hated Gloria Gaynor for singing such truth words even though she knew she didn’t meant them in that context, but most of all she hated that blonde girl for making her think about loving or caring because she just knew she couldn’t be bothered by those things and…

Just as she thought of running outside for a smoke, the room erupted in applause around her and her mother. Only around her and her mother, because no one else mattered.

Aquaria didn’t had to love or even care about anyone else than her little family, this were the people who would stick with her when no one else would and that was all she needed.

And so, as part of yet another familiar routine of hers, she shrugged it all off and convinced herself of this. Even if she knew that this same wonders and this same denial would come back to her the next day.

Ah, routines. How much she despised them, yet how they always seemed to appear to haunt her.

Aquaria clapped a little less enthusiastically as Sharon disappeared through the back to change into her regular clothes. Through the rest of the night, Aquaria served drinks and cleaned counters and repressed feelings. Doing all of those things silently even as the room still buzzed with music and clapping, it all sounded too distant.

She didn’t feel numb, in fact, she was aware of every single emotion that tightened her chest and that was the problem. She wished she could be numb and careless as she usually was but she felt everything.

Not only physically, seeing as she could still feel her feet moving and her hands moving faster with the bottles, she could feel the sweat accumulating on the small of her back and a useless lump in her throat whenever she spoke. But unfortunately, she still felt all those things she had wished she had been successful at ignoring.

She still saw images of a blonde stranger and she still compared her big impressive eyes to the dull ones of every girl or guy she served a drink to that night. She still thought about what she would’ve said if she had gotten the courage of just talking to her and despite she felt like hating her earlier, she felt unable to do so now. Aquaria still, unsuccessfully, tried to forget about the nervous turn she felt at her stomach when she looked at her and damnit, thinking about it wasn’t helping at all.

But thankfully the time had passed by quickly, so quickly that Aquaria didn’t realize when the bar emptied and only one table remained occupied by a group of men who were keeping the cloud of smoke in the air persistent.

And Aquaria’s blood froze because she knew she should’ve paid more attention and that Bianca would lecture her again about things she already knows and fears.

The group of men fails to notice her and she silently thanks it because she had been caught in that same situation before and it hadn’t gone well. She sees a small stack of cash on the table and the guys still talking and she damn well knows that she needs to get out before they see her.

Once before it had happened and Bianca had gotten into trouble as she had been brusquely reminded of the deal they held: Bianca let them do their stuff there and they left the family alone. Aquaria had been fifteen when her three moms had had to sit her down and explain that there was a curfew she had to follow and that she had to be back inside into their home and out of the bar before three am. And that they only did it out of safety but years later Aquaria had found out the whole story…

But now was definitely not the time, she had to get to the back of the bar and up the stairs to their home and she had to get there now.

As quietly as she could, Aquaria took of her heeled shoes and tip toed to the back, where a curtain protected her from eye sight and a door awaited for her to get the hell out of there. She went through it and as soon as it closed she sighed and locked it behind her. At least she was okay. The girl climbed up the stairs that connected the bar to their apartment that was just above it.

The apartment was small for four people living in it. But Adore and Bianca slept in one room and with time they had been able to ample it so Aquaria could have her own room instead of sleeping with Sharon. They had one bathroom, ate breakfast at the kitchen’s counter and had a tiny living room. But to a little Aquaria, it had always felt huge because she felt like the bar was one home and the apartment another one. But it was home, even if it had its shady guys making deals and its thousand other flaws. It would always be home.

She opened the door with her key and was shocked to see her mother sprawled out on the couch and watching TV so silently it could’ve been on mute.

“Aqua?” Her voice merely whispered but her eyes seemed to be exclaiming.

The girl raised a finger to her lips and shushed, signaling her mother to stay quiet or else she would wake the sleeping couple up and then she would really be in trouble.

“What the hell are you doing coming up this late! I thought you were in your room.” Needless to say, Sharon trusted Aquaria far too much considering she was still a teenager. But she had had to learn to grow up faster and to take care of herself, she was supposed to make smart decisions and to not stay at the bar nearing fucking three am.

“I know, I know. I’m sorry, mom. I didn’t even notice, it won’t happen again, I’ll be more careful” She rushed to say as she sat down next to her mother.

“Baby, we had talked about this. You should not be around there at this hour, if those guys…” Sharon speaks worriedly and holds her daughter’s face with both hands.

“I know. Don’t worry yeah? I’m okay” Her voice is muffled by her mother’s arms wrapped around her and Sharon mutters something along the lines of ‘you’re gonna fucking kill me, kid’ as she kisses her hairline.

When she lets her go, Sharon smiles and sighs. She truly can’t believe how much she loves her daughter and how grateful she is to have this life with her. It was bumpy at times and it had been hell at the beginning but now she had Aquaria. She had this beautiful little girl who was becoming this incredible young woman and she couldn’t believe how blessed she was to have a kid like her and to be able to call herself her mother.

“God, you’re so responsible. Such a grown up, my baby.” The woman laid her hand against her forehead and sighed a long dramatic sigh, half laying on top of the girl who struggled to keep her giggles low.

“Mom, don’t you…”

“ _Oh_ , I feel like Meryl Streep singing ‘Slipping through my Fingers’”

“… And there it is. You are the worst”

“Where do you think you get it from? Ha!” The duo laughs as they held each other. Truly, they were the best of friends and that is all that the two of them want. When she was with her mother, everything else disappeared and she was left with only happiness and a strange need to cuddle together and watch Gilmore Girls on repeat.

“We haven’t re-watched Mamma Mia in so long” Aquaria tries to reach for the control but her mom snatches it away at the second.

“You, miss, are going to go to sleep because it’s late and you have school tomorrow and I’m still your mother.” She tries to say in her most stern tone. But as Bianca was the strict one and Adore the fun one, Sharon could take the liberty to try and be both while she remained her daughter’s best friend. And she loved to do so.

“Fine, fine. Night, Donna” Aquaria kisses her cheek.

“Oh, go to sleep, you dork” She kisses back and nudges her as she walks towards her room and closes the door behind her.

Aquaria is ready to call this a night and come to the conclusion that she has had a weird day and tries to think that tomorrow will be better. She tries to think that tomorrow all thoughts of Barbie will be long forgotten and she would come back to being herself, not this weird sappy version of her.

She’s putting her phone on her bedside when it buzzes in her hand. If it was buzzing at fucking three am, she knew who it was before even opening the text. She wasn’t wrong.

 

 **Kameron. 3:23 am:** _Just heard about a party, Friday at 10. Text you the address tomorrow, you’re gonna be there. It’s not a question._

 

Aquaria smiles. She could use a distraction and Friday was just two days away, blondie wouldn’t even be on her mind by then and before she knew it she would be making out with whoever she found there. Hopefully.

As weird as this day was, Aquaria’s head ran with the thought that at least this day hadn’t been every day’s routine because it sure wasn’t routine to find ridiculously gorgeous girls like that one. And despite the roller-coaster of emotions that had gone through her because of that, she felt glad that at least it was something different.

She was yet to find out just how different it would be.

But Aquaria didn’t have to know that, not _yet_ at least.


	3. Fate and its funny way to dangle over a pair of blonde heads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing makes a party better than friends, drinks, panic attacks, charming smiles, misunderstandings and much more. Parties, am I right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUCK I'm sorry i took a month to update this but this is so long and I've been so tired and so busy but here it is! BTW, go follow me on tumblr cause i'm thinking of sharing updates and some stuff related to this story. Anyways, shut me up, here we go!

“You’re being dramatic, Barbie” Vixen rolling her eyes was a sight that Brianna had grown too accustomed to.

“Please, you’ve seen me being dramatic; this isn’t even half of that. I’m being realistic” She took a drink from her water bottle and kept folding her clothes into her gym bag.

“Your realistic looks a hell lot like your dramatic, so…”

And Brianna huffing with exasperation at Vixen was a far too familiar sight as well. She drove her crazy but in the best of ways. Sometimes it shocked Brianna how well she knew her friend and how well she knew her as well.

Well, maybe not that well, seeming as Vixen kept pushing on this topic.

The football field was empty by now. Brianna’s cheerleading position was literally the last thing she could care about, she hated it, but she did it anyway for reasons already known. Her best friend often visited her at the end of this long practices and that was maybe the only good thing Brianna could find in cheerleading.

Seriously, she hated it.

“I just, I don’t want to go Vix. Is that too hard to get?” She tried to sound as calm as possible, even if she knew Vixen was already wary of the insistence the girl was putting to not go.

“It is, cause you’re usually down to parties. What’s the problem here?” Vixen’s dark brown eyes narrowed and her head tilted to inspect her.

Brianna always paid close attention to body language, and Vixen’s was always the easiest one to read seeming as she had a hard time to control her resting bitch face.

“It’s just been a long week, I’m too tired”

 

Vixen tilted her head further in a ‘bitch, come on’ kind of way.

“And I… I don’t know anyone there okay?” She sighed and twisted her hands in her lap to avoid digging her nails into her forearms like she was so used to doing.

Vixen’s stare was far too much pressure on her, this day had been particularly tough and she was scared that if her friend pushed any further, she would end up spilling herself right there.

Yeah, there were quite a couple of things Vixen had no idea of. The anxiety in Brianna’s head told her that she didn’t know because she didn’t care, but she knew that if she were ever to plunge the courage to tell her, Vixen would care and a lot.

But that was something Brianna was yet unable to do.

“You are the most sociable bitch I know. You are so nice to new people, it’s almost disgusting”

The only problem was, most of that was kind of rehearsed. It took her a while to get comfortable or at least not wary with strangers, even if she seemed like she already was. And even then, Brianna would over analyze everything she said and everything that was said to her, her mind would spin like a freaking windmill and no matter how much she tried to make it all go away, it never truly did.

She stayed quiet and kept herself busy with gathering her things. That was the only thing she could do to stop herself from drowning. Vixen didn’t notice, but thankfully she said something that would give her some calm.

“I’ll stay with you, okay? It’s gonna be fine, you’re gonna have fun and make out with some cute girl. I’ll make sure of it!” She smirked and playfully hit her shoulder.

On the bright side, Vixen did know that she was a lesbian, which took a huge weight of secrets off her shoulders and at least Bri didn’t completely felt like she was a liar that couldn’t even trust her friend.

“Ugh, stop” That, unfortunately for Bri, meant that Vixen would tease her nonstop about girls. But to be fair, Vixen would tease her even if she liked boys and that meant that being a lesbian didn’t change anything between her and her best friend. And that meant the world to her.

“So… Are we going? Come on!”

She thought about her options. If she said no, Vixen would go alone and have fun and that would make her feel lonely and pathetic. If she said yes, she would be nervous about it of course, but it would probably ware off after a while being there. It usually did, although it did when Brianna was well aware of who was there and where they were.

She hated being surprised; she hated not to know what would happen and not to be able to control it. That’s why she hated the anxiety, she hated the way it made her feel on edge all the time, and she hated the way it would force her to give up control. Bri had bitter sweetly accepted it, but it didn’t stop her from despising it. And most of all, fearing it.

“Fine, pick me up at 10. Mom’s out of town so I’ll be good.” The anxiety couldn’t control her, she wouldn’t let that happen. She could get over it, she was stronger than it.

Vixen smiled and threw her arm around the girl’s neck as they walked out of the field and to the outside of the school.

“Oh what would you do without me?” She ruffled the blonde’s head and smirked when she lightly swatted her hands and tried to fix her hair.

Their friendship had always been an odd thing. Vixen Taylor moved into town when Brianna was thirteen, they weren’t friends right away, and Vixen was like a cornered animal that lashed out at anyone who would come near her. She was upset to leave her home in Chicago and she was just a scared kid with a lot of built up anger.

Brianna still remembers the day she ran out of biology class, tears running down her face and a chorus of girls’ laughter behind her back. Someone had spread a rumor about her having a crush on some popular girl and her friends had made sure to make her feel horrible about it.

Vixen had run after her and patted her back gently as she cried in the empty bathroom. It was the first time Bri had an actual crush on a girl and suddenly everybody knew before she was even able to understand it herself.

“ _They’re just being bitchy. They don’t know what they’re talking about_ ”

“ _But they do, it’s true and now everyone knows_ ” And she broke down crying again and the taller girl had never been good at comforting, but she was surprisingly… nice to this girl.

She talked her down and sat with her for a while, knowing that there was something about the girl that she could relate to.

“ _Do you want them to know? Like, officially?_ ” She asked with a hand on the girl’s knee.

“ _I really don’t. I have to figure out some stuff first. Please don’t tell anyone, Vixen?_ ” Vixen had smiled and let her lean against her.

“ _Sure thing, Barbie_ ”

The rest was kind of history.

“Well, I wouldn’t get in trouble for starters” Bri shoved her with a grin as the other girl gasped.

“When have I ever gotten you into trouble!” Vixen opened the door to her car and unlocked the passenger one for the blonde to get in.

Seeing a her mom was always on trips or at work or just nowhere to be found, Vixen was more than used to giving Bri a ride home. It was fun, it was like their thing.

“Let’s see, the public pool this past summer?”

“It was a hot night! You should be so thankful”

“Blair’s birthday party? Truth or dare at Monet’s? Every single New Year ’s Eve? That time you pushed a guy off the-”

“Fine, I’m the fun in your life. You’re welcome, Barbie” She stuck her tongue out to her and turned the engine on.

“Have you ever called me by my actual name?” Bri said as she scrolled through her phone to play Vixen’s favorite playlist.

Hey it was her car; at least she could something nice. Being nice came involuntarily.

“Nope. And I’m not planning on ever doing so.”

For Vixen, being nice was a bit more hidden inside of her.

Brianna was happy that she was one of the few people who had the pleasure of knowing where that hiding place was.

 

*

 

Two hours after Vixen had dropped her at home, Brianna truly started to panic.

Through the years she had learned how to read her own signs; the weird churning in her stomach, the tightness spreading across her chest, her heartbeat either beating too rapidly or too slowly, her shaking hands and trembling legs, the heat expanding on her neck and face. This helped her to recognize when a situation was getting overwhelming or when it was about to send her into a panic attack, which didn’t happen very often, only when she was incredibly stressed or upset and she would just crumble to pieces.

But standing in front of her mirror with the outfit of choice in front of her didn’t seem like enough of a good reason to start getting the signs. Bri felt them anyway, she felt a pressure on her shoulders and couldn’t help but just want to lay face down on her bed and let it fade away.

Something had to be off about this party, or else Brianna’s gut wouldn’t be telling her to run off and hide from it. But then again, it kind of always told her to do it. Would she listen to it? No way, but it didn’t stop her from feeling wary about it.

Bri chose to hold on to Vixen’s words: Have fun, make out with a cute girl; you’re going to be fine. The last one repeated in her head as if chanting it enough would make her believe it.

But until that happened, Brianna ran her hand above the tight sequined skirt and the black top and painted an equally practiced smile. The muscles in her cheeks were tight, her eyes looked tired and when she tried to hold the corners of her lips up, they just fell down again.

She liked the outfit though, so the rest could be pushed aside.

She liked her body, or had learnt to at least. She liked the dip of her waist and the wide of her hips. It wasn’t much, it was a normally proportioned body but she had grown to love the little things about it, it made her feel not exactly confident but more like a little less scared.

Brianna had always loved the huge contrast of her soft features and pretty blonde hair against dark clothes, it made her feel edgy and usually she would be way more excited about a party. Usually she would be thrilled about dancing and mingling and maybe add in a drink or two if she was feeling like it.

Tonight she just wasn’t feeling like it. It was one of _those_ days.

And while _those_ days usually mean something else, for Brianna they mean misery.

She could never say that the anxiety ‘kicks in’ because it’s not like it ever goes away. Some days she can only feel it in the back of her mind, some days it’s the one who controls every action and emotion in her. But she can always feel it with her.

It depends on the situation but sometimes it comes randomly. Remember how Brianna hates surprises? Her anxiety knew that and often found it fun to change its ways and make her feel the least expected things.

Bri does not feel it as an emotion; she feels it as a voice in her head. As a part of her that whispers when she less or most needs it. It never says anything positive, but it says it anyway. Brianna feels sorry for it. And she bets it feels even sorrier for her.

It is a silent anxiety, not always easy to notice but never totally invisible.

That’s the catch, she supposes. Brianna can’t get rid of it, she tries, and she fails. It’s incarnated too far into her skin and it’s maddening.

Stress is easier to wave away, and usually a party would be just right for her to do so.

For now she tries to swipe it all away the same way she swipes on eyeliner and makeup finds a way to calm her down. The preciseness in it and the detail makes her feel at ease. She’s good at this; she’s good at keeping herself distracted through organization.

She looks nice, she likes it and the fact that she looks incredible on the outside makes her inside feel just a tad bit better.

 

**Barbie. 9:45 pm:** _All ready. Call me when you’re out._

Bri sends the text to her friend, puts all her makeup products back into their drawers and double checks she has everything she’s going to need for the night.

After that, she triple checks what she’s expected to do for the night.

“Have fun, make out with cute girl, you’re gonna be fine. You are going to be fine, Brianna. Breathe” She whispers to herself and her voice comes out shaky.

Breathe

_Breathe_

God, she usually knows better than doing this to herself, what is she even trying to prove? What is she going to earn? She can’t fight it; she’s stupid to think that she can. Oh, maybe Vixen could go and understand she’s not feeling great. Maybe she can-

 

**Vix. 10:05 pm:** _I’m here_

 

She can do this, she can and she will. Bri doesn’t let herself think and rushes out and down the elevator and before she can think of going back, she’s standing in the lobby and she’s supposed to step out now.

_Breathe_

_Breathe_

And with that, she opens the door and heads out.

 

*

 

“Hey Kam! I haven’t seen you in a while!” Sharon hugs the very tall girl in front of her and opens the door to the apartment so she can come in.

“Ugh, I know! This idiot doesn’t invite me over anymore.” Kameron points her thumb to where Aquaria is putting stuff inside her purse in the kitchen counter.

“Oh, shut up. You always say you’re too busy.” The blonde one mutters while looking through the place for her keys.

“Whatever” Kameron rolls her eyes and sits at one of the stools, Sharon leans against the counter in front of her. “How’ve you been, Shar?”

“Oh, don’t try to avoid my next question. When did _this_ happen?” The woman laughs as she twirls a strand of Kam’s light pink hair.

“I dyed it over the summer. Ya like it?” She smiles with her tongue between her teeth.

“Love it” Sharon tugs the strand lightly and turns to where her daughter is still rummaging through the cushions of the couch looking for the damned keys. “But don’t _you_ ever dare to dye your hair, kid.”

Aquaria gasps.

“Please! I would never do anything to ruin all this beauty.” She flips her hair behind her shoulder before disappearing into her room to keep looking.

They both scoff.

“She’s definitely my daughter.”

“Totally” She smiles and they both just wait for Aquaria to be ready.

Once before Kameron and Sharon had been in this exact same situation. Thankfully, it was different now. And much less awkward.

See, Kameron and Aquaria’s friendship didn’t start as sweet and loving as Vixen and Brianna’s did. Oh no, it was certainly the opposite of that.

They met about two years ago in a crowded bar that had a really stupid security guy who didn’t seem to notice how fake Aquaria’s ID was. To this day, she’s glad of that little detail. The second she saw the girl, Aquaria’s only thought was how ridiculously hot she was.

Kameron was taller and had toned arms and legs that she showed off in shorts and a low cut top. Her hair used to be blonde and bounced when she walked. And yeah, the top made it clear that her hair wasn’t the _only_ thing that bounced when she walked…

It’s no wonder why half an hour later, Aquaria had her pressed against the bathroom sink and tugging said top even lower.

They worked great if they wanted to have a fun night but a relationship wasn’t in discussion after one date. They didn’t really click as a couple and they were both fine with it. Sure, they fooled around for a few more weeks but at the end, being friends was good enough for them.

Kameron was funny and loosened up more once you got to know her. Aquaria _sure_ got to know her more than most friends do, but it wasn’t that what made them be such good friends. She wasn’t sure, she just felt happy with her and they always had the best time any time they would be together.

Kam is one year older than her so she’s in college and working, they don’t see each other that much but they’re the best of friends. Aquaria doesn’t have much friends in school, couple of girls and guys that she would talk to in the halls but she never wanted to grow attached to someone in high school. Which was also something that made growing attached to this girl a bit easier. If they fell through, it wouldn’t be blamed on petty drama.

“Aquaria we have to go. Come on!” She groaned and went to stand next to the door, Sharon joining her.

Aquaria wears a v necked yellow top that shows her flat stomach and a gray skirt that clings to whatever curves she has. She looks stunning and the girl knows it. Her makeup looks great, her purse is hanging from her shoulder, and she basically has everything she needs…

Except for those freaking keys. Sharon is going out as well later so she can’t just leave without them.

“I really can’t find them, I-“ She walks to the door with them.

“Oh you’re looking for this?” The keys dangle from Sharon’s finger and she has a smirk on her face.

“You are the worst! I swear” She reaches for them but her mother keeps them in her hand and gets closer to her face.

“Be careful tonight, please Aquaria” Her voice is stern, her eyebrow is arched and her eyes are serious.

“I always am, mom” She smiles and takes the keys with her.

Sharon can only trust her kid and sigh, kiss her cheek and pray that she’ll stay true to her words. She lets Aquaria have her fun, but she’s still a mother and her nature is still to worry and protect.

“Have fun, girls”

“You too!” She says back and closes the door behind her.

It’s a kind of local party, Kameron knows some of those town guys that party big time and everyone is invited which is always fun.

Aquaria loves the rowdy atmosphere that these kind of parties usually promise. She’s great at it, the dancing, the people, the music. It helps to blow off some steam and she knows that’s just what she needs tonight.

She follows Kameron through the streets and they chat, and it feels familiar and comfortable.

“Sooo, dating anyone?” The pink haired girl nudges her shoulder as they walk by and Aquaria shrugs.

“Don’t have time for that, you know it” She hopes the conversation will go to how busy they’ve been cause that’s something she can talk about. Stress about too, sure, but talking about it is easier than going to the love topics.

“This town has some pretty hot people. You’ve got to at least like someone, I know you whore” Aquaria slaps her arm playfully at that and jus tries to breathe normally so she won’t stutter when she responds.

“I just- don’t know. Anyone is really, you know-“ She doesn’t stutter but her voice goes low and kind of… shy? This brings Kameron’s attention because Aquaria is nothing but shy.

“Okay, what was that? More importantly, _who_ is it?” Kam smirks.

Aquaria hasn’t thought about her in a while. She shrugs it off and tries to think that the girl was just a pretty thing to look at but fuck, she can’t get her out of her head and she seriously doesn’t know why.

She thinks about it and she knows that she doesn’t exactly _likes_ that girl. It takes more for her to like someone at least physically. Usually they have to have that kind of charming confidence and after that, Aquaria doesn’t really require anything else to like them.

Now if we’re talking emotionally liking them… that’s just, well, not on the table for Aquaria. And she’s good with that, really.

“Seriously, no one” Her voice sounds more like herself and she smiles when she feels the thought about the blonde girl fade away.

That was just what she needed, to realize that there was nothing truly special about her moment with her that justified all the thinking about her.

“Alright. That means _you_ are going to get some tonight. Not a question” Kameron sounds convinced and they both laugh.

And Aquaria is relieved because _she_ is fully convinced as well and she’s ready to not ever think about that girl again.

The party doesn’t look like a high school house party. When Kameron finally stops dragging her through streets and lights, she stops in front of a building that looks like its purpose is to host parties.

“Who’s place is this?” Aquaria eyes the building up and down. It’s pretty, looks well illuminated and spacey; she gets a peek from what looks like a garden in the back.

She knows she would’ve been okay if it had been a rusty, shady place cause she knows Kam would never take her somewhere dangerous, but she’s deep down relieved that it looks better than what she imagined. She might actually have a good time tonight.

“Some guy’s family owns it. I met him at the gallery; he studies at my college so we’re friends” Kameron tells while she links Aqua’s arm with hers as keeps her close to her.

Kameron would be lying if she said she didn’t still harbor some sort of feeling towards Aquaria. She didn’t thought much of it because how could she not feel some sort of way? Aquaria had always been amazing to her. She knew nothing would ever happen and she knew she loved just being close friends. But she also knew that if anything never happened was because Aquaria never wanted to and that if she ever wanted her, Kameron would say yes in a second.

It was _that_ kind of friendship, she supposed.

Aquaria didn’t question it and leaned into her as they walked inside the place. Kameron wore the biggest smile and thought for a moment that this could’ve been them always if only the younger one wasn’t so scared of compromise. But she would never blame Aquaria for it, it was just the way she was and it’s not like she hadn’t known that when she started to grow feelings.

The place was partially lit inside. It was a big room filled by all sorts of people, a hired bar that took over one entire side of the room and the modern loud music playing through the speakers that Aquaria could never seem to hate but also couldn’t quite like. There were stairs that lead to the balcony where you could see the party from above and at the very back of the room stood two doors that lead outside to the garden she had seen before.

It all looked… nice.

“I’m gonna go say hi to some guys. Wanna come or…?” Kameron asked.

“I’ll be fine. You go” She smiles back reassuringly and she doesn’t catch the hesitance with which the girl lets go of her.

“Okay. Be careful, please?”

“Yes Kam, yes. Go, don’t worry” And Aquaria smiles again and that’s all Kameron can get before walking away and leaving her to wander around.

She considers dancing right away but knows that she needs to get familiar with her surroundings first so she won’t be too tense.

She considers mingling and almost laughs at herself for even _thinking_ that she’s able to mingle. She’s not good at people, not most of the times at least.

She considers drinking a bit and sitting at the bar which is an instant yes because that is something she damn well knows how to do.

Aquaria walks there and she’s feeling good and confident and relaxed and she’s not thinking about keeping to herself like she usually does. When she orders her usual rum and coke, she smiles and winks at the guy behind the bar before sitting down on a stool. She feels light and peppy and-

“Rum and coke? Wow you looked like you were gonna be more fun than that.” A guy sitting next to her, comments with a smile.

And Aquaria chuckles and smiles back, not only because the guy looks _very_ cute, but because he said it in a fun way, he sounds and looks nice and warm and trustable and of course she doesn’t let her guard fall entirely down but she dares to let it falter just a bit.

She looks down at his hands and at the glass he’s holding between them.

“Well, you are drinking what seems to be a white russian, so _you_ are no one to judge”

They both laugh and it feels good. Nice. Not quite intriguing or something to obsess over for the next two days like with that girl but- No, _no_. She’s completely over that. She can’t compare because it would mean it still means anything and it doesn’t.

“You know about drinks” He says very matter-of-factly.

Well, she kind of lives in a freaking bar.

“A thing or two” She moves closer.

“Alright, what is _that_ girl over there drinking?” The guy points with the hand that’s holding his drink, he points to a girl sitting at the end of the bar.

“Let’s see…” Aquaria squints a bit and after a few moments recognizes what she’s drinking.

She knows what it is because her moms like to cook Italian food to _‘bring her back to her roots’_ , and that particular cocktail is very good to pair with dinner. It’s rarely asked at the bar because they don’t serve food, but only a few times she has served it. She got lucky with this one since she has seen Bianca sipping it a number of times and has been sneakily given to her by Adore because _‘one taste won’t fucking hurt her, Bianca. Besides, we live in a bar. Jesus’_

“I think… Negroni?”

“Excuse me, sir. What is the lady over there drinking?” He asks the bartender and after he confirms that it _is_ a Negroni, Aquaria squeals in delight and claps her hands together. Unlikely of her but she does it anyway because she likes to do unlikely stuff.

The guy smiles and turns to her and now she can have a good look of him.

His features are soft and his smile turns out to be quite nice. His hair is a bit spiked up and looks like he just ran his hands through it before coming here, and he carries some very pretty and barely visible green eyes.

Again, there’s nothing undeniably enchanting about him like-

“Either you drink a lot, or you are just a genius” Thank goodness he speaks before her mind goes railing back somewhere she would rather not ever go to.

“I’ll take genius, thank you” She extends her hand and he shakes it “I’m Aquaria”

“Adam. You have a pretty name.” He doesn’t sound shy about it and Aquaria’s head is listing the two things off her requirements.

Charming. _Checked._

Confident. _Checked._

“That is obviously not the only pretty thing about me.” She bats her eyelashes before laughing it off. She likes this, definitely.

“Okay. Pretty name, pretty face, knows about drinks and confident as all hell. I’m impressed” Adam takes a sip of his own glass and seems to scoot closer to her. She lets him.

“And you said I wasn’t gonna be fun, huh?”

“I was wrong, clearly. Are you here alone?”

“A friend brought me. You?”

“My brother is throwing this whole thing. I’m here to make sure he doesn’t trash the place down” Adam smiles fondly and Aquaria is genuinely interested to know more.

Adam could be and _is_ turning out to be more interesting than he looks. She likes that, she likes to be surprised after all.

“So, you own the place. Your family just lets your brother have his parties?” Aquaria asks.

“Well, yes and no. Except it’s only the ‘no’ since they don’t know about this. They’re not around that much.” She nods in understanding and for a moment she’s scared this is gonna fall into some awkward silence.

Adam stands up and offers his hand.

“You wanna dance?”

And Aquaria nods and laughs. She doesn’t know the name of the song that is playing, but she likes it. It’s not the kind of music you grossly grind to so she’s thankful for that, it’s light and chirpy and there’s no right way to dance to it, you just do.

Adam spins her around the place and lets out a funny comment or two as they dance. His hand is on her waist, just a bit below her ribs and she can feel how cold his fingers are. His feet move swiftly and Aquaria thinks that if Adam isn’t good to go out with, at least he’s one hell of a good dancing partner.

She’s having fun, he’s great company really. She’s laughing and dancing and maybe having too much fun to not notice the cause of her inner turmoil for the past two days trying to have as much fun on the other side of the room.

Aquaria doesn’t notice the blonde and her heavy breathing and overwhelmed eyes. Brianna can’t seem to notice either that her very own platinum beauty is dancing around with someone else and I bet somewhere, fate is having a really sucky time watching this unfold.

Brianna can’t notice that, or the music around her or the fact that she has totally lost sight of Vixen when she went to dance somewhere else. She faintly remembers that she doesn’t really belong here and she starts to feel herself slip into darkness. Not literal darkness, she’s not far too gone to faint and she never has been, thank god. But a much different, much worse, and much too familiar darkness hovers behind her shoulders and is starting to give her a reason to panic.

Bri can feel her body move stiffly now and she’s sure that she looks like an idiot and she’s sure that everyone else is looking at her scared little self trying to appear confident when she really is not.

She _feels_ like everyone’s eyes are on her, except no eyes give her much of a second look and there are a pair of blue eyes that haven’t even realized she’s there in the first place.

It’s not like Bri knows either. Fate has made sure of that.

She can’t do this, she thought she could but she clearly can’t. Brianna feels vulnerable and scared and she wishes she hadn’t said yes to this, and she wishes she was at home having this same nervous wreck where no one could see her having it.

The girl can almost physically feel the anxiety filling her head and body and the tears filling her eyes and heart. Fuck, she hates everything about this situation.

Now, Brianna is the one to check things off her own list:

Churning in her stomach. _Checked._

Tightness across her chest. _Checked!_

Shaking hands, trembling legs. _Checked and Checked._

Heartbeat fucking skyrocketing. _God she needs to get out of here!_

And she does, as fast as she can. She doesn’t quite shove people around, but does bump into a number of elbows and knees and has to mumble a number of _‘sorries’_ and _‘excuse me’s_

She spots the garden and the fact that it’s very much empty and scurries her way through the doors. As she does this, someone else is excusing herself from her dancing man and is itching to head outside to said garden and have a cigarette.

Somewhere, fate smiles knowing they have done something right.

The rest is up to, well, them.

Just like Brianna, Aquaria knows how to read her own signs. She’s not quite as anxious, but she obviously gets overwhelmed. Usually, the cigarettes help.

The first time she had ever smoked one she had been fifteen and one of the girls from the bar had shown her how to.

Her parents never found out about that.

She felt guilty about it and didn’t touch a cigarette in a year and a half after that. Sometimes things, problems all got to a point where it was too much for her and it wasn’t only the nicotine that calmed her down. It was the feeling of home attached to it, the time it took and how much she would think in that time, the slow breaths and the exhaled smoke were found to be soothing to her.

Once, Bianca out of all people had caught her. Aquaria had fought with Sharon again, she was stressed and upset and she craved for the time to think and the wasted breaths. Bianca had only asked her if she had a package, took one out of it, lit it and stood next to her. Aquaria was scared until the woman asked her what was wrong and after her whole vent, Bianca nodded.

_“Cigarettes will kill you if you go to them every time you have a problem, kid. I won’t, talk to me, not them”_ She had stubbed them both with her heel and led her back inside.

Most of the time, Aquaria obeyed but sometimes, it didn’t need a problem for her to need to calm down. Ergo, for her to need, or rather want, a cigarette.

However, as soon as she stepped into the garden, she knew that smoking wasn’t going to be her biggest problem right now.

Déjà vu is a weird thing, Aquaria often thought the feeling of _‘I’ve done this before!’_ was stupid, she hated to repeat actions.

This could be an exception.

There was that tiny and shaking blonde sitting in a rock bench. She didn’t look curious like she had looked before, she looked fucking terrified. Her eyes were wide and glued to the floor. Her fingernails were buried in her arms the same way her teeth were digging into her lip.

She looked small.

She looked like Aquaria wouldn’t think twice before doing anything in her power to take care of her.

Wait, where did _that_ come from?

“You okay over there?” Against her better judgement, Aquaria asked. The unlit cigarette dangled between her fingers the same way nervousness dangled in the pit of her stomach.

Brianna looked up at the voice and was certain that her whole expression had shifted from nervous to confused to awed in under a minute.

She was there, towering over her. Appearing before her eyes in shades of yellow and gray and those damned red lips.

And Aquaria looked at her with something that resembled pity. If once the blonde had looked pretty and vibrant, now she looked shrunken. She had seen this girl only twice and she could already tell that her eyes were a dead giveaway to her feelings. For some reason, she felt like it was important for her to remember that, as if she would use that piece of knowledge in the future.

Bri was too far into her trance to care about the pitiful look on the girl’s eyes and obviously was too distracted to answer her question, which was why it took her a couple seconds to snap out of it.

“I’m good. Thanks” She mumbled and hugged herself tighter.

Aquaria knew that this was probably the time to nod and smile and walk away to Adam who was probably waiting for her inside. She wanted to, really she did. She had no idea why she didn’t, though.

Instead, she nodded and smiled and awkwardly went to sit in the other end of the bench.

Brianna looked over at her from her side and gave her a half smile. That was unexpected, to say the least. But it would’ve felt wrong if Aquaria had just walked away. Was this right, though? Neither of them had a clue.

 “Do you mind?” Aqua pointed at the cigarette with a raised eyebrow.

“No, go ahead” I mean, what else could she have said?

Bri wasn’t sure if she was okay with the company. Regardless of the attraction she had felt towards this girl literally two days ago, she couldn’t be some sort of exception to the panic attack building up inside her. She still felt out of place, it’s not like her presence had changed that, distracted her from it, maybe.

She would much rather be alone but then again, she would also rather be with this girl than with any other stranger.

“You look stressed” Aquaria blew out the smoke and while Bri felt like saying some quirky comment and save herself, she felt too tired to hide behind that mask tonight.

“Well I feel stressed” She closed her eyes. She opened them again.

Aquaria was looking at her.

“Can I ask why?”

_Why do you care?_

“Just, parties are too much. I don’t know anybody” And this could be a good moment to mention that Brianna wasn’t in the mood to vent to a stranger like one apparently does these days.

“Me neither” Also a good moment to mention that Aquaria kind of lied and had no intention of going back to Adam, who she did knew and was supposed to be with.

She was choosing to be here instead. Bri didn’t know that nor had the energy to think about that.

“Really? You look like you’d know everyone here” She said softly, casually. Leaning into her hand as she spoke. She herself was supposed to look like she could get along with anyone and, well, here she was.

Aquaria was surprised the blonde wanted to talk and maybe surprised she had said that specifically.

“You look like that too, I guess” She imitated the way the girl was sitting and they both smiled.

Bri felt like moving closer. She didn’t.

She’s about to ask why she is here with her until she looks down to Aquaria’s fingers still holding the cigarette.

There’s a red print of her lips in the cigarette. Brianna smiles.

“Who _are_ you here with?” She does move closer this time, just a bit and maybe unnoticeably so.

However, the other girl does notice, and yet again repeats her actions. Funny since she’s supposed to not like to repeat actions but since the first moment she’s seen the blonde, she’s been willing to repeat. As much times as she has to, she’s scared to think why. So she doesn’t.

“If they’re not with me then it doesn’t really matter” Softly, she assures. God, Aquaria doesn’t want to talk about trivialities and neither one of them knows what they actually _want_ to talk about.

Brianna, on the other hand, only wants to stay here now. She’s not sure if she wants to stay because of her or if she wants to stay just here. It’s progress though, Bri’s head is almost all cleared up and she’s ready to either keep talking or go home.

She goes for the first option without giving it much of a second thought. Again, isn’t it funny?

Exceptions are a weird thing too, feels like cheating in a right way. Both of them are now sure this feels, if not right, at least nice. It’s a nice cheat.

“Yeah. Yeah, I guess that’s right”

“I’m thinking your friend left you by yourself too?” Aqua is trying so hard not to pry but she is also trying so hard to know more.

She ponders over which way she should go and instead of taking either one of those ways, she moves closer to her. To the one thing that she doesn’t have to be confused about, the fact that she wants to stay here as well.

“Sort of. I lost sight of her so I-“

“-Ran out here?” She finishes the girl’s sentence.

“Pretty much” Brianna giggles and it’s the first time Aquaria has heard that and she feels like doing something to make her reproduce that same sound again. It’s a pretty sound, the kind you wake up to in the mornings with sleepy eyes and a day ahead. The kind of sound you like to hear on a phone call.

She felt pitiful for the sad looking girl who was sitting in the bench a couple of minutes ago, and though she could still see remains of that sad girl, whoever was sitting next to Aquaria now seemed different and curious. And she wouldn’t mind to have more of it.

“Are you still stressed?” There’s a careful tone in her voice.

“I’m good” She doesn’t tense up now

“You can be good and still be stressed. Are you?” Is in this moment that Brianna is sure she likes her. She answers in ways people don’t usually answer and that is as new as it is interesting. She could talk to her or just _listen_ to her talk for longer than she should want to, considering they’ve been talking for just about fifteen minutes.

“I’m not stressed now at least. Probably going to be in the next 4 to 5 hours but for now I am great. Thanks.” The girl smiles back and there are no such thing as ‘flips in her stomach’ as Brianna thought there would be. There’s warmth, her head is quiet. And we should remember that Brianna’s head is not used to quiet.

Something tells her that this girl is nothing but quiet as well, so this must be nice for her too, at least.

She is absolutely right.

“Why are you out here anyway?” Bri forgets about the obvious answer that is wrapped up by the girl’s lips just because she wants to keep talking.

The anxiety isn’t completely gone when meeting a new person or when running out of an overwhelming party but she feels it fading away, slowly.

Aquaria points at the cigarette and then takes another drag from it.

Brianna has always found cigarettes unhealthy and she hates herself for loving the way Aquaria’s cheeks pucker when she’s smoking and for thinking that she must be this equally beautiful doing anything else.

Because if she had been beautiful to her when she saw her from several feet away, she’s sure as hell more beautiful when she’s sitting inches next to her. Aquaria’s hair falls and covers her face when she looks down and Bri thinks of how her hair would tickle her if she were to be close enough.

She thinks of how she wants to be close enough for her hair to tickle her.

She thinks and wants but doesn’t do so.

“I mean, why are you out here with me?”

Honestly, Aquaria wishes she knew why.

She feels herself tense up because although she will never admit it, Aquaria Needles is, as a matter of fact, terrified of feelings. Simply because she has felt too much throughout her life, and being out here with some girl she just felt sorry for, isn’t something that someone who doesn’t feel does.

Aquaria has her own masks too. Careless is one of them.

She does not know why her head has insisted so much on the thought of Brianna, because she doesn’t even _know_ that the blonde’s name is Brianna. But she is, unfortunately for her mask, drawn to whatever it is this girl has. Whatever it is that those doe eyes and shaky hands and bit lips have that Aquaria can’t help but feel _something_ for.

And she is not willing to dive into this dilemma and let alone to tell this to the girl.

“I don’t know. You looked like you could use some company” She chuckles and shrugs and in a way, she’s telling the truth. In a way, that is, because she is a total fucking liar if she says she’s out here for selfless reasons.

She doesn’t just ‘help out’ and she feels guilty knowing that had it not been this girl, Aquaria had probably awkwardly stepped back inside.

She’s selfish because she is here out of the desire to be with Brianna, because somehow whatever it was that drew her towards Bri was something that made _her_ feel good.

 It made her feel like she wanted all that for herself and she’s simply here because she claims to be scared of feelings, yet she’s drunk on what this girl is making her feel. And God, if wanting more of that just for once was selfish, then so be it.

This, she didn’t tell to Bri, of course.

“You’re good company” She smiles and there is that warmth in Aquaria’s stomach as well but there are also alarms going off in her head.

“Oh, I know” Aqua puts her smug smile on and knows that confidence is her way out of this.

The way to shut the alarms up.

“I’ll take that back. Your company is not that bad.” She stifles a laugh and when she does so, she leans closer to Aquaria.

The alarms don’t matter right now.

She feels like it’s only proper to ask for her name right about now; she wants to know something different though.

“So, what was it that really got you all stressed?” Her voice is softer than before and her chin is resting in her palm. She may be here for her own selfish ways but she still wants to help with whatever turmoil the girl is having.

She is unaware of the fact that half of the turmoil in Brianna’s head was about her and now it’s been replaced by much other things.

“Mostly what I said before”

“And the rest?”

“That- well, that’s- you don’t wanna hear about it” Aquaria is hoping Bri won’t find it weird and creepy as she’s asking so many questions but she can’t really help it.

“If it, like, makes you uncomfortable you don’t have to tell me. But if I didn’t want to hear it, I wouldn’t be asking.” She rushes to say at the girl’s imminent hesitation.

“It all makes me uncomfortable whether I talk about it or not. I’m just, not sure why you wanna hear it?” Brianna is sticking to the idea that no matter how she feels about this stranger, she is still a stranger who she is no going to ramble about her life to. There are things she would love to talk about.

It is at this moment she remembers what Vixen had told her to do at this party. Get a cute girl and have fun. Oddly, and even though she definitely wouldn’t complain about, she doesn’t think about the platinum beauty as just the cute girl she could make out with. She doesn’t particularly feel like just making out with her but, does she really want to tell her the whole story of her lame life?

Absolutely the fuck not.

“I don’t know. Don’t think I’m that weird, I just- don’t know.” Honestly, she isn’t sure why is she pushing this so hard. She feels embarrassed about being so insistent when this girl is probably trying to tell her to piss off and she really should just leave and-

“Don’t worry. It’s nice of you”

Nice

_Nice_

You see, that word has never been something occasionally linked to Aquaria Needles. She comes from an odd family and has an odd backstory and odd secrets she likes to keep about herself and her world and the word ‘nice’ has never fully been something she could relate to.

This girl, however, is taking the unexpected and new interest in helping someone else out and thinks that Aquaria is genuinely nice.

She feels like a liar. She feels she really shouldn’t make this girl think that she is the kind hearted and good girl that she should be talking to, when in reality she is the girl who ruins everything she touches and dares to care for.

Aquaria shouldn’t think of herself like that. She does, and unfortunately, the alarms get louder and louder every second.

“Tell me” She clears her throat and decides to focus instead on the girl, anchoring herself to the possibility of getting to spend a few more moments with her, even if it involves completely lying to her about who she feels she truly is. A mess.

“Well, it has to do a lot with college, you know” She almost murmurs

Boy, if Aquaria knew.

“I definitely do. I’m the same here, all worried about admission emails and essays and whatever” She waves her hands around and grumbles.

Bri laughs and she feels a bit safer to talk.

“What are you going for?”

“Fashion” She smiles and looks down to her hands. Aquaria has never been shy, but when it comes to things she loves, she unexpectedly is. Sometimes, keeping the things you love to yourself will save them from the hateful world. Yet again, not showing emotion protects both Aquaria and the things that she loves.

She doesn’t know that soon enough, she will want to keep something else dearly loved, only to herself.

“Suits you” The blonde speaks lowly to her, it’s weird, usually her voice booms through after several years of practice. She doesn’t feel like putting her practice on work, not right now. Bri has no idea why.

“Yeah? Why’s that?” Aqua’s voice comes out choked but Bri can almost _hear_ her smile when she speaks.

She can sort of _feel_ her smile too, in fact, she is very much aware of Aquaria’s warmth and whole presence because she is certain that Aquaria pulses with light. And she just wants to be lit up by her for a bit longer.

And if Aquaria were to know this, her guilt would take over and she would run away. However, she doesn’t.

“You look like someone who would go for, let’s say, risky ad extravagant?” At this, the two girls chuckle.

“I’ll take that” Between laughs, the taller one says. “What are you, um, what are you going for?”

“Business” Brianna sighs and she looks considerably unhappy when she says it. It’s not the same way Aquaria lit up at the mention of fashion and she can tell.

By this point Aquaria has learned that Brianna’s emotions are easy to read and Briana has learned that Aquaria is kind and charming.

You should know that these are both lies. And that they do not know that.

“Oh. Wow” That’s really all she can say.

“What?”

“Just, _you_ don’t look like someone who would go for business” The platinum beauty tilts her head and tries hard not to let her disappointment be seen by the other one.

Brianna looks like someone who would love to travel and meet and love in every hidden corner of the world. She looks like someone who would take advantage of every early morning and of every midnight moon. She looks like the kind of person that this world desperately needs and Aquaria feels like the kind of person who would want to show her all of this. She feels like the person who would follow her through and through and try to grasp whatever greatness she could from her.

Brianna does not look like someone who would do all of this through business.

“Yeah. I know” She looks tense again and the girl blames herself for saying that.

“Do you like it? Business, I mean”

“Kinda have to. It’s already planned out for me, so..” She tries to smile again but she can feel herself slip again.

And Aquaria can feel herself getting dangerously close to the edge of ‘full on caring’. And they both know they need to step out of this now, but do they really want to? Is it really okay to be okay with the fear?

If Aquaria keeps asking, Brianna will keep answering and the tall girl isn’t stupid because if only 25 minutes talking to Bri have her feeling like she does, she has no idea what will happen to her if she were to know more.

She’s not feeling careless anymore, she feels small and scared and petrified. She feels everything in every way and she hates how vulnerable this is getting and she hates that she was the one who allowed it.

“Why?” Her throat is dry.

“My mom has her company, it’s what she wants. I’m fine with it, I guess” Bri doesn’t even hesitate on answering and that shocks both of them.

The other girl is sure she’s about to do something stupid but it’s her own fault, really. She can’t blame Bri for being so… care worthy.

Aquaria has felt like this before, she supposes. In moments where she knows that there’s this unknown part of herself that shows whenever she starts to truly care, she panics. It’s stupid and Aqua blames that part of herself, so, she represses it. Ignores it and never attempts to understand it or let alone embrace it.

Aquaria tripped herself and she also hates that she knows what she has to do to get out of this. Because Bri looks like good, and Aquaria is nothing like what she needs. It’s best for her, for both of them really.

“Oh, I see” Aquaria feels like crying but she puts on a mock tone to her words “You looked like _that_ kinda girl” She can’t stop whatever she’s saying but she knows it’s taken Bri by surprise and she wants to kick herself when she dares to look at the expressions passing by her pretty face.

Aquaria was going to make her feel like this eventually, she knows. It’s better now than later.

“What?” Brianna’s voice sounds cautious and offended.

_Fuck Aquaria, why did you had to?_

She clears her throat

“Mommy has her company and wants you to own it but you want to rebel because you’re ‘different’ and totally not a spoiled rich kid.” Aquaria feels this burn at the back of her throat when she sees Bri’s frown deepen.

Now, Brianna, she’s been taken aback that’s for sure. She can only imagine her own wide eyes at Aquaria’s words. If she thought she was charming and kind hearted two seconds ago she wasn’t sure how she felt about her right now. Her head feels like it’s been detached from her body and floating several feet above her, she feels like she can only stare back at the girl and let her words float between them.

She feels like she’s going to throw up.

Aquaria feels no different.

“Okay, it’s not like that at all” She sounds cold when she finally responds and whatever anxious thoughts Aquaria waved away, were being pushed back into her mind by Aquaria herself.

“It must be so hard being you, princess” The name rolls off her tongue in a different way she would like it to.

But she also knows that Brianna should be in company of someone who would use that name to adore her and to take her hand through crowded streets and to talk with her late at night. Not with someone who would do this and make her feel good only to make her feel like this minutes later.

Not with someone like her.

Not with Aquaria.

“Well, first of all, fuck off”

Bri has clearly decided to get herself out of this situation as well. She has no reason to stay here and she sure as hell has more pride than to stay here and listen to things that she has already thought herself.

Yeah, sure, she’s probably going to think about it all night.

But she’ll be damned if she lets Aquaria sit there and judge her without saying a word to defend herself.

“Second, you don’t know anything about me.” She moves further away from her and that reminds her “You don’t even know my name”

Aquaria thinks: She could back up and apologize, she could go on and finish it.

“I don’t think I’ll need it” The blonde shrugs.

She fucking _shrugs_.

Brianna is clenching her teeth together and pressing her arms against her sides. She isn’t sure how can someone pass from being so sweet to so rude in like two minutes.

She doesn’t know Aquaria didn’t just _pass_ from one to another. She is simply always a part of both, inside that is. Incapable of being vulnerable, yet at the same time, feeling more vulnerable with every passing second was not the nicest way to live and this was all dawning on Aquaria.

Maybe she’d known before, she’d felt this regret before while looking at a number of other faces; Her mom’s every time they would fight, Kameron’s when she told her she couldn’t be in a relationship, Bianca’s when she acted like FIT was the only thing that mattered to her…

But, God, this girl’s face was different. Brianna looked angry and disappointed and Aquaria isn’t sure how can you disappoint someone that you’ve known for half an hour but knowing herself she knows it’s possible. Because she has done it with people who loved her and have hoped for more, somehow, possibly, maybe, this girl had hoped for more too.

“Yeah, um-“She stands up and between golden locks and black skirts; Aquaria can see all hope she had for herself vanish as well. “I should get going. Have a, uh, good night”

Bri walks away from the garden and she’s not sure which feeling is stronger, if the anger or the sadness. Because this girl had at least helped her take her mind off things and it sucked to hear she thought the same of her as a lot of people did. And she didn’t even know anything about her!

 Brianna, however, feels strangely good; something she is very aware of is the fact that sometimes she forgets to take care of herself, to stand up for herself the same way she does for everyone else. She feels proud at the realization that for once, she wasn’t willing to take someone’s bullshit or to please and beg for “please, please like me!”

This girl wasn’t willing to know her before judging her, and honestly fuck that. Bri is sure she doesn’t need that nor wants it.

When her tiny heels click on the room’s floor tiles, she notices the party is still going strong and she notices she doesn’t want to see the end of it. She opts for texting her ride.

**Barbie. 12:51 am:** _Hey, not feeling great :(_ _I feel kinda sick. Where are u?_

Bri sits in one of the bar stools. She is funnily unaware that she is sitting two stools away from Adam, who is still waiting on Aquaria, who is still sitting outside thank god.

**Vix. 1:00 am:** _Shit, I’ll take you home. I’m upstairs_

Brianna feels bad for making Vixen deal with her, it’s not her fault she feels down and it’s not her fault that girl was a jerk to her. Vixen wanted to come and wanted Bri to have a good night and at least one of them should spend the rest of it having fun.

**Barbie. 1:00 am:** _Or I could call an Uber. You should stay._

**Vix. 1:02 am:** _Idk, you sure? I don’t want you to go alone._

**Barbie. 1:03 am:** _And I don’t want you to leave bc of me. Have fun, I’m good._

**Barbie. 1:04 am:** _You okay to drive yourself back home? How much did you drink?_

**Vix. 1:06 am:** _Barely anything, I’m good to drive. You know I don’t do that shit. Text me when you get home, k?_

She smiles down at her phone. Adam next to her stands up when he sees Aquaria standing in the garden’s doorway and disappears outside with her. Thank god Bri doesn’t look up because we don’t want to know how _that_ would’ve worked out

**Barbie. 1:07 am:** _Yeah, have fun._

She stands up and heads out a fast as the air flies out a window.

Her head loses track of the events in between the Uber arriving, the drive back home, the elevator ride with a man on a suit who seemed like he was coming home from cheating on his wife, and the unlocking of her apartment’s front door.

Her head snaps back up when she is stumbling through the halls and pulling open her bedroom door. There’s a brief sense of numbness while she removes clothing and makeup, but can’t be able to remove something inside of her.

There it is again, the knot or twist or whatever the hell seems to habit in the pit of her stomach, the barely noticeable and at the same time loud leftovers of anxiety.

The words “spoiled princess” booming through as she lays her head back and pulls the covers on top of her. The warmth around Aquaria’s body and the cold in her freezing blue eyes. The red stains on cigarettes and the rawness in her words.

Al these were things she couldn’t shake off. Was there any true to her words? Was there any possibility that she was really just a whiny teenager?

Years ago, when she first found out about her anxiety and her homosexuality and her endless list of problems, her first thought was that she must’ve been overreacting. That was one of her biggest fears, she feared being a lesbian was just a “phase” and she feared that the anxiety was just a way to make herself different when all she was, was a spoiled rich brat.

No.

No, there was no way she was doing this again over some girl.

She was important and she couldn’t let someone make her feel otherwise after she had spent so much time convincing herself of it.

Yeah, a long time ago she had also learnt that it wasn’t normal to feel like she was drowning. She learnt that that was what anxiety made her feel like.

The anxiety felt like drowning and not asking for help even when she knows she needs air. It felt like losing consciousness of the fact that she needs air. It felt like wanting air, yet being unable to explain that she’s missing it.

And maybe someday it would get better. And maybe sometimes, like today, people would be jerks with no reason and it would make her feel like she’s to blame.

She’s not, though. And it’s about damn time she knows that.

Brianna falls asleep that night thinking of Aquaria in a much different way she had thought about her when she fell asleep several nights ago.

At least she doesn’t feel that way about her anymore. All she feels for the so called platinum beauty is… indifference. She doesn’t care about her or about what she thinks.

Somewhere, in some other part of town, Aquaria is feeling guilty while she’s absentmindedly listening to one of Adam’s stories and thinking about what could’ve happened if she hadn’t fucked it all up.

But they both share one common thought:

They’re both glad this is over with and that there’s no way they would ever talk again.

You should know, this is a lie as well.


End file.
